I used to be so good. In fact, I used to be so fucking good!
I used to command the attention of everyone as soon as I walk into a boardroom. And during my presentations as well as brainstorm meetings and the likes, I always pause to take a glance at those who are present, and I'd only continue if I know they're captivated, which they always are.
Always.
I used to be awesome but not anymore :-(
But of late, I seemed to have lost the confidence that I used to possess. Sure I still command the attention of the room but I know I used to be better. Gone are the days when I'm so focused with what I’m doing. Nowadays, even in the middle of a presentation or a debate, or any other work-related mastiff for that matter, my mind tends to wander someplace else; places that have nothing to do with the subject matter in hand.
Yes, I used to be so fucking good.
I used to go into meetings cockily confident that I was gonna go away from them victorious and I always did. Always. But I seemed to have lost that edge, that attitude to conquer and be brutal with my dealings, y’know? I really think I am on the verge of losing it completely, if I haven’t yet.
The good thing is that the commies seem to think highly of me. But I know I could be better. I used to be better. I know I shouldn’t bother but I feel that I’m cheating them by not giving my best. Granted, that even when I’m not at my best, I’m still good. But I don’t want to be just good. I want to be fucking good, like how I have always been.
Imagined Confidence. That's what I have. I don't have real confidence anymore...
And it’s not even for anyone else’s benefit but mine that I want to be fucking good. I know I lost a huge part of my life this year and with it, was my confidence. I did suffer a solid dent on my confidence and no matter how hard I tried – and still try - to separate my personal and professional lives, the unbearable pain caused by the unexpected knock in the former influences the latter greatly.
What saddens me more is the fact that while I have come to terms with what happened in my personal life, I am struggling to overcome the loss of confidence in my professional life. Worst, there are times when I really get scared of the nagging thought that perhaps, I would never be able to recapture the confidence that I used to have.
Sigh …
A lot of the people around me do not understand the complexities of what I went through. They have always believed that I would be able to overcome with ease everything that happened but little do they know the effects it brought about to me – mentally and emotionally. To these people, being IO is such a great thing, that I could easily shrug my shoulder and continue my walk.
My exact thoughts. The betrayal is so hard to forget, y'know?
In a way they are right. On any given day, and on any given circumstances, I would have done just that. But what they fail to comprehend is how far reaching the betrayal was and what it did to me and my psyche. The thing is, I poured everything into it, y’know? I even allowed myself to entertain the notion that it was what I wanted for the rest of my life, it was that deep. And to be betrayed the way I was, and by the person that I promised my future to at that, left a permanent stain in my psyche.
And that’s where I am right now. I may have moved on from the personal effects of what happened, but I am having a tough time applying the same to my professional life. I have lost the ability to trust people and with that loss of trust, the confidence that I have always possessed.
I’m a very positive person by nature. And when someone as positive as I am still have doubts after all this while, surely there must be something wrong.
One day, like how I overcame the personal effects of the betrayal, my professional life would be able to do the same.
Would I able to overcome this? I know I will. It’s just a matter of time. But do I have the luxury of time? I seriously don’t know. All I can do right now is continue to be positive. And hope.
Yes, hope. That’s all I could really do.
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