Confession # 7

I don’t think I could go lower from where I am now.

I have truly reached the bottom pit and while I know most people don’t really understand or get it. I may look good, great even, from almost every score cards people tend to judge their lives by, in reality though, and in as far as where I defined my own score cards, I have hit rock bottom.

I am now at the lowest point of my life, the worst situation I've ever been in.

How bottom? The very last pit, that’s how. I have never imagined that I would be where I am now. I’m equipped with almost everything that makes a successful, powerful and happy man but I am neither of those.

Again, the definitions of successful, powerful and happy are subjective; created and defined to cater to one’s needs and aspirations. But in my book, I miserably failed in all of them.

Over coffee, My Small Baby told me that she knows that I am a strong person and was truly surprised that I allowed people to get to my head. She said she never expected that the day would come when I would allow myself to be pushed to corners that I didn’t want to go to.

But yes I did and even if it were partially done with a clear and conscious mind, nevertheless, trying to be who I am fundamentally not proved to be my own downfall.

The true test of a man's character is how he overcomes every failure to rise even further

And that is what happened. I allowed myself to fall to a level so low and one that was completely alien to me and had it not been for the unbearable pain I felt from hitting the concrete pavements of the gutter that I was in, I would have gone on and continue to spiral to oblivion and ultimately, die an unforgettable death.

But God is great.

He allowed me to see what I missed before it was too late. He gave me another chance to live my life the way I am supposed to, as well as gave me the strength to shoulder on and fulfill whatever it is that I’m meant to do and become.

I was humbled by the traumatic experiences that I painfully lived through in the last year and I vowed to myself that I would never allow myself and the people I love to go through the same pain and hurt again, ever.

I promised myself that when the sun shines again, I will consider it as my last hurrah. I will live my life devoting my kindness and generosity to those who where there for me and in the same token, eliminate those who were not.

I know I will rise again. Soon.

Yes, it’s changing the way I live completely. But I wouldn’t want it any other way.

And yes, I am at the very bottom right now but as My Small Baby confidently enthused, I will be up there again, where I belong. And when I make her and the people I love proud of me again, I'm gonna make sure that it stays that way forever.

I finally realized what it meant to be completed.

I maybe down now but I am far from being out.


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