Bitter Much Or Reality Check?

"Ivan, I know you and this is not you. When you get angry, you really get angry and lash out but you don't stay angry for a long time"

This is so true.

Usually, I do lash out and because of the magnanimity of my lashing, they are normally left for dead afterwards. I am friendly by nature but when I get crossed, it's usually the end for those people who crossed me. That is just how I roll.

Was I that bitter? I don’t think so. But I could be wrong as well. One thing I know is that whatever I did is something I can’t undo and I have to live with that. And I can and am living with that.

Reality check.

As Em said in ‘Not Afraid’, 'I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one' and that’s exactly how I felt. Was I wrong in what I did? Maybe. But my actions were meant for me and not for anyone else. And honestly, at the time I did what I did, I didn’t care because I knew I did it for me.

I don’t expect anyone of you to understand, especially the person I was perceived to be venting at. I had to do what I had to to reach where I needed to be, y’know? I am eccentric and You know I have my own ways of doing things. I don’t expect You to understand what I did nor am I asking for forgiveness, I’m merely offering some insights; nothing more, nothing less.

If truth be told, I struggled to understand why I allowed myself to drag the bitterness I felt. It’s not me to do such a thing but something at the very core of my existence was ticked and did not allow me to let go just like that and like how I usually do.

And as always, when you try so hard, you tend to not find it. But when you allow yourself the time and space to find what it is you’re looking for, it just comes.

Mine came when I stopped looking. And it was right in front of me all along but it’s moot now, the most important thing is I already know why and that is why I am where I am now - happy and ready to get on with my life.


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